(Originally published on June 4, 2015)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
After much prayer and soul-searching and consultation with Super PAC donors, our very own Greg Bluestein has decided to run to serve the people of Georgia's 10th Congressional District in the U.S. House.
"Georgia is the greatest state in all the land. And America is the greatest nation in the history of mankind and, possibly, the universe. That is why I am asking for your vote to go to Congress, so I can talk repeatedly on CSPAN about how great Georgia is and how hard-working Georgians are. Except for the Georgians who do not work, who would work hard, surely, if they had jobs. Also, I'm going to get them jobs. Real jobs. Georgia jobs."
A first-generation Georgian whose family comes from Poland by way of South Carolina, Bluestein is running on a platform of Georgian Exceptionalism, fiscal responsibility, equality for all and puppies.
OFF THE RECORD -- FOR PLANNING PURPOSES ONLY
Bluestein received what appears to be a form email Wednesday from an outfit called "Run for America." The personalized subject line was "Your name came across my desk from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution."
The group wants Bluestein to run as a Republican in the 10th -- he does not live there, but Run for America must not like Jody Hice -- based on his "accomplishments" and "leadership experience" at the AJC. "We are looking for talented, visionary, and innovative individuals who can bring their passion and skills into government as problem solvers," wrote candidate recruitment manager Colleen Osborne.
They must have read about Bluestein's "ruthless" style pursuing scoops and heard that he never sleeps.
At first, Bluestein was skeptical. But then he read Run For America's job description of what it's like to be a U.S. House member and decided it's a sweet gig.
- Base salary of $174,000 (and an ability to set future salary)
- 132 required work days, no five-day work weeks, and paid vacation
- Allowance of $944,671 for a staff of up to 18 individuals, and an additional allowance (avg. $450,000) for mailing and office expenses
- Generous pension eligibility after five years of employment and full health and dental benefits
- Complimentary travel to and from Washington, DC headquarters
- Immunity from arrest while at work
- Opportunities to attend exclusive events and meet VIPs through “Congressional Delegations”
- A front row seat to history, and an ability to make a difference for millions of people
It's not every job, Bluestein reasoned, that gives you immunity from arrest while at work.
RESUME PRESS RELEASE
Please join the Bluestein family for a special announcement event with lots of American flags and strategically placed hay bales at a Walton County farm on Saturday afternoon.
There he will unveil his 10-point platform to give jobs to hardworking Georgians while the government gets off their backs in a fiscally responsible but compassionate way that solves our income inequality with pro-Israel energy independence. Because children are our future.
He will leave immediately following the speech for a closed-press high-dollar fundraiser in Buckhead.
"I want every voter in the 10th to keep one thing in mind over the next year," Bluestein concluded. "What can Blue do for you?"
Updated at 2:45 p.m.: Anti-Bluestein reactionaries responded to the reporter's satirical candidacy in force, rolling out a www.stopbluestein.com attack site.
We can confirm that every attack is true.
Also, Hice called to note that his campaign has received a steady wave of phone calls about the bid.
He offered a bit of advice, though, about running in his deeply conservative district:
"You've got to get away from the blue."